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Separation, divorce … how to succeed after

 

A divorcee family is under construction.

To speak of an exploded family is to speak of the past.

To speak of a family in reworking is to speak of the present with a view to the future.

 

Theme is becoming more and more current. There will soon be more divorces than weddings!!

 

Divorce is not a punctual event but a process … A family is not a long calm river. There is a notion of family history: Yesterday leads to Today and Today to Tomorrow. Every family has its story. In the same way, the divorce takes place in time with a before, a Pendant and an After.

 

Life cycle of the family: She and he meet, meet and marry. The life of a couple starts: pregnancies, births. Children grow up, hence evolutionary crises: turning points in family life.

Then there is the departure of the children and it is the phase of the “empty nest”. Later there is the widowhood phase.

There are other cycles and other phases, that of divorce: possible alternative to one of the cycles of the family.

 

There are different divorces and different ways of living the divorce. A study was done on reports that 425 divorced people have a relationship with their former spouse:

50% of them are indifferent, 25% feel hatred and 25% could re-marry him.

 

The mobile family: There are different subsystems in this mobile:

Subsystems: father / child (s) and mother-child subsystem (s)

The “sibling subsystem”: negotiations between children only

 

Mother and father are spouse and co-parent: each role is different.

 

The parents are connected to each other by two wires, like wires in a big cable:

 

A   red: the conjugal bond born of marriage (contract) and a blue: the co-parental bond

 

In everyday life there is only a big electric cable. And the voltages are not necessarily the same on both wires. If there is a lot of voltage in the red wire, the plastic of the blue wire melts and then … the pellets jump! If there is so little voltage in the red wire, the children are responsible for making electricity in the blue wire,   to pass to the parents.

 

Divorce situation: We want to slice the big cable with scissors: bad technique! Whoever takes the initiative to cut gets a very strong discharge (from the spouse and children). It is necessary to work on the red thread (conjugal tie) and put the insulating cloth on the blue thread to avoid that it is touched: it is the preservation of the parental link which cannot be cut.

 

The exploded family: This expression evokes different things:

 

A family relaxing after relationship separation mediation geographically broken down (seasonal, hospitalization, divorce,).

An exploded family living in the same geographical location ( one who hates each other but stays together, or who does not take responsibility for co-parenting, one of them has night work with impossible hours …)

 

The family who is divorcing: We are talking about crisis, disaster. Divorce is not a crisis but the breaking of a balance to arrive at a new balance. It’s an opening to the future. Although when it bursts, it can be very hard

 

Legal divorce and emotional divorce: Not to be confused

 

Legal divorce: when   the competent authority declares the divorced couple. It is a unique act. But once the divorce is decided it is not over because the parental bond remains.

 

Emotional divorce: Process that extends over time and that will generate family instability, suffering of children, of the mother, of the father. There is reorganization and remodeling of the family structure. This can range from a possible change to a total break. Hence different negotiations between the man and the woman to decide the subsequent development.

 

The exploded family is not the picture of an event.

 

The family: living system, with evolutionary potential. It is a living body that evolves towards the future. And even at the height of the crisis, the evolutionary potential is shifted. There is no family that does not have constant evolutionary constraints.

 

Divorce: Transition from a nuclear family to a bi-nuclear family with a kind of balance on both sides:

 

Nuclear family: Father, Mother   and child.

Single-parent family: Mother plus child or Father plus child. It is a bi-nuclear family: there must not be appropriation by one of what is to both (children).

A divorcee family is under construction.

To speak of an exploded family is to speak of the past.

To speak of a family in reworking is to speak of the present with a view to the future.

 

How to succeed in divorce: The divorce is a construction that may want to succeed.

 

Spouse and co-parent: You have to go from “my ex” to my “co-parent” because it’s different: with the co-parent we are in a kind of co-management. Co-parenting is a role to invest. It must be said: my ex-husband is a … but my co-parent is a good person. You cannot judge your spouse as a parent. Only children can judge their parent as a parent. And the child does not let himself be bought. He will judge in the last resort the one and the other parent. The child has a double root: ½ mother and ½ father: it is rooted better if it is allowed to root with these two roots.

 

Influence of the matrimonial regime on the child care: It is necessary to separate the process deciding of the liquidation of the matrimonial regime of the process organizing the life of the child. Often the purpose of the trial is not to separate but to harm oneself. Thanks to the nuisance we are close. And two people who are fighting cannot move away.

 

Watch out for subgroups: mother / child or father / child. The more the mother or father denigrates the co-parent, the more the child feeling denigrated and identified with his father / mother will attach to him / her. The child will   amplify the message “I am like the other”. To resemble the one who is not there is the way for the child to be able to be constituted as a whole between these two people.

 

Family therapy: shows the skills of the whole family. Restores competence to reconjugated families: each parent can take control of his bi-nuclear family. Contributes to raising awareness and separating marital and parental relationships. Work the degree of permeability of family boundaries.

 

Preserve the child from the conflict of loyalty. We must not ask the question: with whom do you want to live? It is the judge, after discussion with the child, who will decide where he will live.

 

Preserve and encourage links with paternal and maternal families. When parents live in crisis grandparents can help, but on their own territory.

 

Attention to the establishment of a conjugal relationship between the parent and the child: exfoliation of the hierarchy Parent / child from which takeover of the child

 

Attention intergenerational coalitions: child / grandmother with a coalition against the mother, child / father with a coalition against the mother.

 

Raise the importance of a social recognition of “the family in reshuffle”.

 

Well surround this type of family who lives a crisis.

 

Questions 

 

Border concept:

 

These are the rules of life. When we live together, we have to agree on a set of rules. It’s the same thing when you’re separated. One must have the freedom to put one’s own rules on one’s own territory. At home it’s like that, at you it’s like that. And the child must understand that there is a complementarity between the two territories. This avoids wars between parents and children.

 

The telephone: it can give the impression of a violation of territory. And the child can suddenly be sad after a phone call.

 

We must address the issue of sadness with the child: why are you sad? Is your daddy so sad? We cannot spare a pain or pain to his child, but we can support him by talking, with small gestures: at Papa, we can put a picture of Mom next to the bed, at Mom we can do the same thing.

 

Well say: your dad is a good daddy.

 

The border must not be watertight: we must negotiate contacts, work co-parenting.

 

25% of ex-spouses hate each other. How to overcome it?

 

This hatred comes from the fear of losing one’s paternity / motherhood.

 

The other will steal my children there is a physical impossibility to imagine that he / she can touch my own children. Only time does a lot of things. But you have to respect the mother if there is no longer respect for the woman and in the way of addressing the other, things can evolve.

 

Pursuing a constructive policy, building co-parenting is also very difficult emotionally.

 

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